long: depression, fiance, pregnant…?
Hi girls (and guys)! This is going to be long, so please bare with me. I am currently 32w1d pregnant with my 2nd child (it’s a boy!). I had my daughter at only 18 and married her father. We did our best to make things work, but we just were not meant for each other so we have been divorced and seperated for a little over 2 years. I have been dating another man for 2 years now. We actually just got engaged in April. We talked about having kids in the future, but had an unexpected pregnancy instead (i was on the pill). While we were scared of what was to come, we both embraced it and enjoyed this entire pregnancy. He has come to every doctor’s appointment, every ultrasound, showed off our 3d ultrasounds more than I have, is always rubbing my belly, and sings happy birthday to the baby every week. What I am trying to say is he is very hands on and helpful.
Everything was fine until Tuesday. He decided to disappear for the night where he slept in a park just because he did not want to come home. I saw him the next day where he was at his family’s house and we talked for about an hour. He told me he wants to be in the baby’s life, but he can’t be with me anymore. He can’t be with anyone. I got no further explanation than that. He said there is nothing I can do to change his mind.
As I am sure you can imagine, I am completely shocked and heartbroken. I feel like my entire life was flashed before my eyes. I am so tired of everyone telling me that I have to just worry about my kids now, and get over him. Is there anyone out there that can understand why its just not that easy? Why its just not that easy to forget about him and move on with my life? He was the one who was physically, emotionally, and financially supporting us, and I feel like I have lost it all. I can’t sleep. I can’t eat. I have an appt with my doctor on Monday to discuss all this and check on the baby’s health, etc. I try to force myself to eat for atleast the baby, but my nerves are so shot and I just can’t do it. She said she will also give me a referral to speak with a therapist (thank god, because I really think I need it right about now). I really just want to give up and run away myself.
Is there anyone that can give me some helpful advice and kind words? Thank you so much. xx
Tagged with: Depression • fiance • long • Pregnant
Filed under: Pregnancy Depression Support
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hey hun, im so sorry to hear that and i understand why you are in such sock but please try to keep eating and try to get some rest for the baby, you dont want to go into labor this early it could cause alot of problems. i dont much about your relationship but were you ever too jealous? that almost drove my husband and i to split up, i started to look at how much weight i had put on that i was just gross even tho he didnt and would just be so upset if i saw him look or talk to someone better then he did me but besides that im not sure what else it could be. if you want tho you can email me and we can talk, i find it nice to talk to someone about your feelings but if not i understand. good luck tho, o n i would just give him some time by the way, he is prob just stressing about being a father.
Shocked is probably an understatement. I think it’s hurtful of other people to say ‘get over it’, anytime you lose someone you care about it’s hard, even if it’s through a break up. This is someone you’ll have to deal with for the rest of your life and it’s going to take time to work thru it.
But, you do have two babies you can now pour all your time and energy into, that should be a blessing. They can keep your mind and your hands busy while you are trying to mend your heart.
I hope you find some peace with your situation and I think the therapist is a great idea! Use the heck outta that therapist.
Good Luck.
there could be 1 of 2 things.
1. Hes gay.
2. He is having a crisis time in his life, where he is realizing he is going to be a dad, and be connected to you for the rest of his life, perhaps he feels as though things are fying by him, and he cannot control it. He shouldnt be treating you this way, there is no excuse the least you deserve is an explanation.
im sorry =(
Yeah, I went thru something similar when prego with #3, around 7 mos too… In fact it was all I could do to keep my house for 1 1/2 mos after she was born, so I wouldnt have to move at the same time I was due. (I wasn’t entirely financially dependent on him, but could no longer afford the larger newer home…)
I can vividly remember the days of crying, lying in bed curled up and just wanting to go to sleep and wake up to find it was all a nightmare. It was a struggle to not cry in front of my older kids. It was a struggle to do anything, esp be excited about having a baby and being alone. I loved and wanted the baby, but I was seriously depressed/heartbroken over the situation/him. I dont know why your man suddenly decided that he couldnt be with you anymore, maybe he felt that there were prior problems and that having a baby with you would make everything worse? My guess is that since he was so incredibly involved before and now quit suddenly has changed, that for some reason he felt like he was ‘pretending’ to be more involved in you/baby/marriage than he really felt. He probably felt ok when you were just dating, but then felt obligated to do something when you got prego… aka: offer to marry you. He feels in-over-his-head, and that he cant handle the situation, he is not sure of his feelings for you… He probably thought that things would be ok when you got prego, so he tried to get into it, then he thought he could improve things (for him) if you got engaged, like somehow it would make him feel different/better…. but it didn’t.
Try not to cry in front of your other child, at least dont let her see the tears running down your face. Try to focus your energies on doing stuff for baby… shopping for clothes & items, washing & folding baby stuff, getting baby furniture ready, decorating, packing bags, cleaning the house, knitting a blanket, designing baby announcements, writing letters to baby… Focus on one day at a time. When you find yourself thinking down about him/situation, rub your belly instead and talk to baby about his mom, his sister, his other family members, his new life, all the new things you will do with him. Talk to friends and family about going to delivery so you dont have to be alone. As tiring as it may seem, invite someone over everyday or get out of the house and visit… it will help keep you from crying all the time, and often talking about other things (besides your problems with him) can help take your mind off things, if even for a few minutes. You CAN do it. It is hard, but for most of the years I have been a parent, I have been a single parent. I know it feels like the end of the world, and you probably wish it was (just so you didn’t have to go on alone – I felt that way), but the world DOES go on – with or without us.
Talk to doc about hard time, there are meds you can take (esp Paxil) that is fairly safe (esp compared to other meds) during prego. You are essentially grieving right now for him and the relationship that was supposed to be. Having escalating problems and getting divorced over years is totally different than being blind-sided by someone. Go to the counselor and see if you can have Maternity Support Services (usually thru local Health Depo/WIC) come to the house… they often offer counseling services esp to prego women going thru hard times just like you. Good luck and if you pray – PRAY… to God for strength and guidance and love and HELP!
I’m sure you’re not looking for sympathy but… you poor girl. Sounds like you not only lost the love of your life and the father of you unborn son, but you also lost you financial support. Which means yet another unwanted problem. Of course it’s not easy to forget someone you loved so passionately, and if you try to put him out of your mind, you’ll only do more damage. As women, we need to listen to sad songs, while eating a pint of triple chocolate ice cream and bawling. I thank God that I haven’t had to experience something so terrible in my life, but I can definitely feel your pain. Since he expressed that he didn’t want to be with you, I would leave him be, for now. Maybe once your son is born, a spark will relight in him, and he will realize all that he will miss out on if he doesn’t stay with you. Does he have other children? If not, I don’t see why he wouldn’t want to take the opportunity of being around to see his first son grow up. If you try too hard to get him back, it will only push him farther away. It doesn’t make much sense though, it sounds like he was in love with you and his unborn child. I’m not the best at giving advice, but I wish you the best of luck!