Why can’t I feel happier?
I delivered a baby 3 weeks ago. Her father and I split as soon as we found out about her. During pregnancy we kept some contact; his participation was minimal and he didn’t seem to interested for a long while. After the first U/S he became more interested and started calling more often. We had a few ups and downs; sometimes he was distant but got upset if I didn’t keep him informed. Emotionally was very rough on me. He put up a good show for the two weeks before her birth and that week after (when I was at the hospital). He called every other day and seemed to be really excited with the idea of her coming. He signed all the paternity paperwork voluntarily and put her on his insurance. He even was attentive to me, but I can’t say that he was leading me on. He pleaded with me to let her have his last name too because he didn’t want to feel “left out”. However, for the other two weeks after her birth he’s only seen her once a week for an hour at a time. He wants me to keep calling him to tell him how she’s doing and asking him for things to bring over for her, but dodges talking about a set amount for child support. I have tried to get on this subject a couple of times but he avoids it like wild fire. I’m picking up for every tab and doing all the work since she’s with me all the time.
He’s recently divorced and his x took him to the cleaners. I know this. I know he’s financially in bad shape but why should I show compassion to somebody who couldn’t show it to me and left me when I needed him the most. I understand that he was just coming out from a long time relationship and we were both rebounding from our previous marriages. The pregnancy was not planned or intended. I was told I couldn’t have children; however, I was on birth control to deal with hormonal issues and other medical problems. There’s no trapping situation here. I make better money than he does. I don’t want to have to fight and I don’t want to take him to family court because finishing off what the xwife couldn’t is not my idea of revenge and quite honestly i don’t like the sharing of the houses that the court will impose, but how do I get accross that he can’t enjoy his “rights” without fulfilling his responsibilities and that an occassional pack of diapers doesn’t cut it. IMO He’s acting more like an uncle than a father.
I have had a long time to try and get over him, but I haven’t been able to. I should be happy that I have a beautiful baby girl that’s gorgeous, healthy and happy… simply overall perfect and that at this early age is starting to stretch her feedings through the night. I recently got a great job and all the support from friends and family. I’m never alone or wanting for anything. Why can’t I feel happier?
Why is that I can’t get over the fact that I was alone through pregnancy and that I’m not able to provide for her the family that I always thought I would have for my kids.
I have considered asking him to get back together, but it bugs me that i would’ve be the one doing it when I didn’t want out in the first place. I don’t want to feel/look needy and desperate… I want him to take me seriously or our relationship will be doomed. The other thing is that it scares me to think that he will accept only for the time being simply because together he will be better off financially and he knows it, or worse that he will reject me again.
How can I get around these things and feel happier with myself. How can I get the courage to ask him to leave completely or step up as he should? I’m a mess… but please don’t atribute it to post partum depression. My situation is not as easy as just putting a label on it. I’ve been dealing with a complicated person for a couple of years now and I’m worn off.
I need serious advice on how to fix it (whenever we’re around each other people who doesn’t know that we are not together couldn’t pick it from our behavior towards each other). He was here last a couple of days ago and we were in my room, he was lying on my bed and playing with the baby and my computer… Or something to help me move on, whether he’s present or not.
It is not PPD… I have talked to a counselor already. Please don’t attribute it to the trendy illness. I know PPD is real; however, not everybody gets it!
Tagged with: can't • feel • Happier
Filed under: Pregnancy Depression Support
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Im sorry but you got the baby blues
It sounds like you might have some post pardum depression which is best treated by getting some counseling, you should be happy he wants to remain in your daughters life and he does need to give some sort of financial support, but if you are better off then him you may want to wait until you are all more situated with having a new baby. he is trying which is a lot better then many men out there who do not stay with the baby’s mother.
Neither I, nor anyone else on here, can really answer that for you, because despite as much as you’ve told us, we don’t know how it feels to be you.
Feeling happy, IMHO, isn’t as simple as deciding to. It is, on one level, because it’s easier to be happy if you’re trying, but you can’t make him act differently, so that’s going to be frustrating no matter what.
If you do get back together, make sure that you keep seperate finances and sure boundries so that you don’t find yourself in a disadvantagious situtation.
As far as the courage thing… consider how things will play out for you, him & the baby if you let him continue to coast as things are. Then consider how they would go if he was being responsible. Even if he doesn’t step up easily or on his own, if you don’t ask it of him, you won’t have the chance to know.
The worst that happens is he says ‘no’, and even then, you know where his true alliances lie and you can move on to whatever the best next step is, whether it’s legal or just setting yourself up to feel stable without him.
I wish you luck.
wow…thats kinda a screwed up situation.
Idk what you should do to feel happier..
I’m not in that situation, so I really don’t know.
But just be happy about the baby.
You have a child now, and these times are gonna fly by, so
you shoud really enjoy it while you can.
The next thing you know, she’ll be bringing boys home for you to
meet.lol
If you care about him, then tell him that you still do and that you want to get bk together.
If he says no, then move on,
If you don’t want to get bk together, then go out there and find a guy
just to get your mind off things.
And alos, just tell him that he’s either gonna have to be a FATHER,
or he can’t see her.
Well, it sounds to me like you need to do a few things:
1. The first is that you need to accept the fact that you are not endlessly happy right now. This is ok!! You are a single mother dealing with a 3 week old child and all the responsibilities that come with that. This is a normal thing to do, and whether you put the “label” of post partum depression on it or not, it is perfectly understandable to be down in the dumps.
2. You need to setup some boundaries for this relationship that you are in. He needs to see his daughter and be a part of her life, but he needs to do it on terms that are beneficial to you and your daughter and not just beneficial to him. The two of you need to talk about this as adults and determine what those rules are. I think dealing with family court might be the best way to do this as you NEED to get the boundaries correct, but you need to do whatever you are comfortable with and works with your situation.
3. You need to come to terms with the end of this relationship. This guy is never going to be the guy that you want him to be and will never be there for you emotionally, physically or financially the way you want him to be. Ohh, sure he gives you a glimpse every now and again, but I think you know that he will never be able to provide this for you and you need to come to terms with that as well. That should be a part of your boundary discussion with him and you need to put an end to the relationship part of your relationship. He will always be a part of your life as he should be a part of your daughter’s life, but he needs to agree to boundaries that he is not going to be a part of your life romantically and you need to come to terms with that fact and begin to move on from that situation.
This is a tough situation you are in, and it does not make you a bad or “wrong” person to not be estatic about your beautiful daughter and the joy she is going to give you for the rest of your life. I would say if this continues for the next few months instead of just a few weeks you should talk to someone about it and see what you can do about it. But for now, I would just relish your daughter and work through these issues and try to move forward with your new life. I am sure you will find your path and will look back at this post as a lifetime ago.
Step back and take it slow and easy, Your trying to do to much at once. Take care of your self and the baby for awhile . Things have a way of working out. I think you and your baby will be just fine , right now you don’t need any drama .focus on the baby and your future maybe with out him.Women have done it sense the beginning of time.
Good Luck and keep your chin up things get better with time just a little patients.
You have already answered your question about how to treat the father of your daughter and what you should do about a future with him. He happens to have conceived a child with you, but you two don’t want to be together as a couple. He likes the concept of fathering a child, but he doesn’t want the responsibility and can’t handle the financial part of it at all. I think he is willing to be present in your daughter’s life, but is is not position emotionally or financially to raise her.
I think the reason you can’t feel happy despite the fact that you have this beautiful bundle of joy in your like is because you want to hold the father responsible for your happiness. You keep expecting him to step up and be the father you envisioned for your daughter and perhaps, as a long shot, the boyfriend or husband you envisioned for yourself. He can’t be either, but you keep expecting him to be or wishing that he would be.
Only you are responsible for your happiness. You should not give that responsibility to any other person on this earth. You choose happiness. You choose to seek things in life that bring joy to your heart. You have a head start. Your daughter brings you joy. You already know this, but you choose to push this joy to the back burner and dwell on the fact that while you have her, you don’t have all the family things that you want to go with your daughter. You have to realize that you and your daughter are a family – not the one you might have dreamed of when you were younger, but a family nonetheless.
Raising your daughter can be a joyful, loving experience if you choose to make it that. Drop any expectations that you have associated with her father. Let him choose whatever level of participation he is capable of in her life. Don’t ban him completely because he is incapable of more. Don’t deny your daughter some level of relationship with her father just because he can’t live up to your expectations. Make it clear to him that you would like him to contribute financially as much as he can, but that you don’t intend to sell time with his daughter as a condition of that support.
Emotionally and mentally release this man from your heart, mind, and soul. You do not have a future with him, nor do you want one. When you fully and consciously acknowledge this, you will open space and energy in your heart to accept a new guy into your life that will be the man you want for yourself and perhaps be the male role model that you want for your daughter. It doesn’t erase her father from her life, but it allows you to seek the life that you want for both you and your daughter, while still allowing her father a place in her life.
When you stop having expectations of things that other people need to do to make things right in your life, you will have freed yourself. Now, you can just plan things yourself, choose happiness for yourself, and smile and laugh as you raise and love your beautiful daughter.
I think it’s normal to feel a little gloomy after having a baby, especially if it’s not in a typical family setting, but you have to do what’s right for you and the baby. I know you need him there and wish he was around more often but it’s useless to try if the love between you two is gone, if you force it too much in the end you and the baby will end up heartbroken. You have a beautiful child…concentrate on raising her and being the best mother you can be, she needs you more than anything right now.
In my opinion, you will have to accept that you are in a difficult situation due to circumstances period, and that in itself is a hard place to be and expect to be Happy. I also think that the hardest thing to do is to be patient and see how things unfold over time, that might be the best thing to do. don’t be in a hurry to move on or resolve it all over night, won’t happen. It is a complicated situation and no quick easy answer or fix. Get some couseling for yourself if you need to and deal with things. Be honest and not demanding of him, just tell him anything he can and would do to help with the Baby would be greatly appreciated, don’t hold him hostage in the situation, that will only cheat the Baby out of her Father. Be glad he is still coming around and realize that he has just been hurt and taken to the cleaners as you stated and it takes a long time to trust and want to be in there again without him feeling very vulnerable to a repeat situation. Just ask for what you would like and then do what is best for the Baby. Maybe at some point in time he would go to counseling with you and there might be a solution to the situation. Previous Divorce can and usually is very devastating to anyone, hard to get over and feel safe in the next relationship and he now knows he is tied to you no matter what through the Baby. Keep the kids best interests first and then yours. The Children never ask to be caught up in all our real life drama. Unfortunatly, they sometimes pay dearly for it.
Don’t forget to be grateful for the blessing of having a healthy Baby in your life.
Good Luck.
It seems that you’d be happier if you focused on your daughter. You were told that you couldn’t have children, but you have managed to carry a healthy child to term.
You can’t fix every relationship, especially not if one party is so obviously disinterested in doing so. It would probably be better if you tried to explain to him that considering he’s trying to wriggle out of child support that you can’t get involved with him in any way (and neither can his daughter) until he’s shown some responsibility.
I can understand that you don’t want to drag him through the courts after everything he’s been through in the past but he can prevent that happening by accepting his duty to support you and your child. If the two of you go to court over the child support, then it’s his fault, not yours because you gave him ample chance to avoid it. Don’t speak to him on the phone, only allow him into your house if he’s prepared to discuss financial matters and ask him to leave if he starts trying to dodge the issue like he’s done in the past.
You seem to be seeing him as a victim of his previous circumstances – let’s not forget that in most divorces neither party is saintly and so it’s possible that he could have made his situation with his ex worse by behaving with her just like he is with you now.
Tell him what you’ve said here – that he’s making your life much harder than it has to be and you don’t appreciate it. Give him the choice of meeting your rightful demands or losing contact with you and his daughter and facing the legal system. Then it’s up to him whether or not he has to go through the whole court thing again.
First of all.. You are NOT is ex-wife. You ARE the mother of his child.Don’t say anymore to him about child support.Just go to court and get it.Your childs needs being met is more important than him whining about having to contribute to it. Getting OUT or OVER a relationship is not easy, so his divorce is still quite new.You need to give him space to think..About his divorce, his baby, you and his LIFE in general. This is a person you will probably have to deal with for the next 18 years or so ..whether you are together as a couple or not. Give each other room to breathe and put all this extra energy that you have wondering about him and his motives to rest and concentrate on enjoying your precious child. Also you cannot make him be this FAMILY that you have always wanted if he doesn’t want to be in it. It may not sound good to you right now..but, there is men out there that would enjoy YOU,your DAUGHTER and being a FAMILY member. Give yourself time.When all is right -you will know.